Share your work and share your edits

[tnh]

Read this first:

1. Management reserves the right to open new threads for critiquing fiction. Do not open a new thread yourself. If this thread gets unwieldy, or you think there's some other good reason to open a new one, ask me.

2. This thread is not for self-promotion. It's for critiques and beta reading. The test for spammy self-promotion vs. real participation is whether you respond if I ask you to say something. Failure to respond gets that post moved elsewhere.

3. Swapping critiques only works if people critique others' stories as well as post their own. I'd prefer not to have to make that a rule and then enforce it, but if I have to I will, so why not start behaving well now and avoid the rush? Also, a useful fact: critiquing the work of others will teach you as much or more than having your own work critiqued. Scout's honor.

4. There is an arbitrary but strict limit of 1,000 words per post, 5,000 words per story, and one story per week. Word count shall be calculated by counting characters plus punctuation plus spaces, then dividing by six.

5. Novels may be posted piecemeal at the same rate.

6. If you have a short story that's longer than 5,000 words, and for some reason you can't post the rest of it next week, post 1,000 words here and tell your potential critiquers where to find the rest of it. Note that I regard this as suboptimal. I'd rather keep the critiques here, where we can all read and benefit from them.

7. Put your name, the title of the work, and whether it's a short story or part of a novel at the start of every post. If you've broken a story into several segments, you should also indicate this: 1/3, 2/3, 3/3, et cetera.

[SkylarkThibedeau]

S.A. Thibedeau. The Tea Ceremony Short Story. First draft. 1/5

Captain Arcadia Faison walked down the well manicured streets of the Shinmachi district admiring the wood and paper homes modeled on those of Yamato of Old Solaris. The ‘New Town’ looked ancient, modeled on architectures from over 5000 years ago. The Sapporans loved their traditions not as much as the Ashanti and Xhosa of Uhuru but enough to have this area enough away from the skyscrapers and traffic of Osaka to make it a quaint escape for themselves and off worlders like Cade who appreciated the culture.

Sapporo’s capital Osaka was still the same bustling city of noise and motion she remembered when the “Pannonia” left spacedock five Solarian years before. Situated well inside the core systems of the Federation of Democratic Worlds Sapporo had not been bombed by the Argons and aside from the large numbers of military personnel coming on leave from the Yokosuka Anchorage in orbit above she was virtually untouched.

Cade herself had changed. Older certainly. Certainly she was more mature and sure of herself. She bore the scars both mental and physical of battle and sacrifice. Her scarred left hand rubbed the breast pockets of the grey Navy tunic she was wearing as she thought of more scars from an Argon blaster underneath.

She had reflected on her service as she took the three hour train ride from the city to the country. Her rank was as much a reflection of attrition as it was ability as she had assumed command of the frigate as the senior surviving officer. She was proud that she had finished the combat tour and had gotten ‘Pannonia’ back perhaps not in one piece but operational.



She reached the entrance of the Okiya and rang the bell. She admired the aesthetics of the rock garden and fountains that decorated the exterior of the school and tea house. She had missed the simple sound of free flowing waters during her voyage and closed her eyes to appreciate the murmuring fountain as she waited at the gate.

She heard a door unlock and an older woman, a servant with no make up dressed in a brightly bleached white Kimono with the image of a silver crane on the breast and simple getas on her feet came out of the building and approached the Gate.

She faced Cade from across the cherry wood barrier. “Nanika osagashi desu ka?” she asked.

“I am Arcadia Faison. ” Arcadia answered. “I have an appointment. I am to have a Tea Ceremony with Jinchi.”

The servant smiled and humbly bowed then opened the gate. “Irasshaimase Captain Faison. You are expected. Follow me inside.”

Cade stepped thru the gate and followed the servant into the building. She was welcomed by the smell of spring flowers and incense. A pair of young shikomi dressed in blue kimono with elaborate gold and red ribbons braided into their hair bowed gracefully for her then gestured her to remove her cloak and shoes.

She sat down on a mat in the foyer and did as they implied then watched as they took her clothing to be stored. The old servant seeing that she was ready gestured her to follow. They passed into a foyer where a small coal fire warmed the room. A small indoor garden much like a terrarium with decorative bonsai added an ambience that Cade appreciate along with the muted notes of a Shamishen playing a sad tale of lost love.


They crossed quickly and reached the baths the notes of the shamishen growing louder from a room nearby. Cade slid into a booth and undressed as the servant waited. She folded her clothes and came out the servant took the clothes and handed her a towel. Cade saw the servants eyes move to the battle scars that disfigured her left side from breast to groin then quickly and discreetly away. She bowed and left with Arcadia’s uniform.

“I won’t win any swimsuit contests now,” she thought to herself and she eased herself into the warm waters. “Not that I ever would have before.” She slid her body into the bath to her neck and felt tingles on her skin as she relaxed. The shamisen in the distance had been joined by a flute but Cade did not recognize the new song they were playing.

They had public baths in almost every populated area of Sapporo but the music was always recorded or played badly by servo mechanicals. Cade liked the fact that everything in Shinmachi was human. There were few places in the FDW where that could be found these days.

Cade soaked for about 20 minutes and relaxed. It was relatively early in this region of Sapporo so the bath was almost empty. There were only three other people and though she was the only female the other patrons politely did not stare at her nude form nor her scarred body.

The servant appeared in the corner of her eye, a folded golden kimono in her arms. Cade turned, smiled at her, and picking up the towel rose from the bath and dried herself off. She tossed the towel into a bin and wrapped herself in the kimono feeling the soft touch of silk against her skin.

The servant made a humble bow and Cade reciprocated. “Watashi ni.” She said softly. “Jinchi san is waiting for you.”

[SkylarkThibedeau]

S.A. Thibedeau. The Tea Ceremony Short Story. First draft. 2/5

Cade followed her from the bath to the foyer. A short lithe figure approached dressed in a flowing white kimono with a long red obi sash wrapped around the waist in such a way to reveal the silver crane emblem of her house. Her hair was held up in the shimada style of Osaka with an elaborate array of blue and red silk ribbons, a gold butterfly pin and two black and red striped hairsticks. Her face was free of the white makeup worn by the maiko. Cade could see a few age lines cropping up on her friends face and lamented the loss of the brightness of youth that she had known in University.

Jinchi bowed and rose when Cade responded. The older servant left the friends to their ritual. The Geisha beckoned with her fan to follow outside into the roji or garden. As she led the way Cade was impressed with the hanging bamboo scrolls on the walls each showing snowfall in the local mountains as it was the winter season in this district of Sapporo.

Jinchi stopped at the tsukubai outside her tea room and ritually cleansed her hands and mouth. When she had finished, Cade knelt in silent reflection and then washed her hands in the cold water and rinsed out her mouth in the ritual purification.

She rose and exchanged bows with Jinchi. They walked up the stepping stones of the walk past small evergreens which added color to their winter surroundings. Cade felt the chill of the air thru the thin fabric of the kimono and hurried up the steps of the tea house as Jinchi opened the door.

Before she could enter the geisha turned and gave her a big hug in a very ungeisha like fashion and unreservedly smiled at her.

“Cade chan it is very very good to see you” she smiled and bowed motioning the naval officer inside. “I was many times afraid that you had died in the war...”

Cade bowed and entered the tea house, appreciating the warmth emitted by the ashy red coal in the braziers inside. She bowed to Jinchi and sat seiza fashion on the floor made from a tatami rice mat. Jinchi neatly folded the robes of her kimono underneath her and kneeled in a similar fashion.

Cade smiled. “I am very much alive.” She shifted her weight a bit as months spent in artificial g made simple things like kneeling and throwing in normal gravity difficult. “You look lovely, Jinchi chan. You have not changed a bit in all these months.”

Jinchi smiled and began to prepare the implements for the tea ceremony. “Thank you. I am honored by your visit. I would have thought there were more interesting places to visit in Osaka than the Edo Historical district.”

Cade smiled as Jinchi was half in character as a reenactor and half the worldly student she knew in school. “Friends are a treasure. That one should value dearly. They bring great rewards.”

Jinchi smiled. “Is that one of your haikus?” She began to boil water in an iron pot on the brazier which hissed loudly.

Cade smiled and nodded. “I have been writing them steadily while away during those few times I was able to relax.” She shifted position on the cushion and hugged a knee to her chest. “I’ve always enjoyed the tea ceremony. I’ve been looking forward to an escape. From stress. From disappointments.”

Jinchi smiled as she prepared the instruments. “Yes. It is necessary to have such I think.” She began to transfer water from a white ceramic bowl to the pot with a ladle and was careful not to spill a drop. “This terrible war has produced much tragedy and disappointment. It is hard sometimes to put on a good face when so many have lost loved ones. Many hopes have fallen”

Cade knelt and looked wistfully into the coals remembering the Pannonia’s dead. She would have been among them save for the work and care Doc Stephens took with her wounds after the last battle. “There is much sorrow these days she agreed”.

She thought of her thankless position of Captain that had been prematurely laid in her arms by battlefield promotion when the officers senior to her had died in battle. She was responsible now for so much and the welfare of so many lives now. “It’s ironic.” she thought aloud.

“What do you mean?”

Cade laughed. “I serve so many and now for a brief time I allow my best friend to serve me.”

Jinchi looked up from the steaming pot. “Ah…but you should not always be on the giving end.” She smiled at her friend and continued the preparation laying a plate of cold mochi balls on a bamboo mat before Arcadia.

“Too often those such as yourself think too often of others…and become drained.”

Cade took a bite of a sweet rice ball and nodded as Jinchi returned to the brazier. She swallowed and sighed. “It is my duty but it is very draining.”

Jinchi stood careful to keep the flowing folds of her kimono away from the coals. “Then our timing is perfect. We shall fill you up.” She smiled.

Cade watched as her friend steadied herself, shook her kimono a bit then took a deep breath. Suddenly she transformed from ex university classmate into an Oiran of the Crane House. She became suddenly serious and bowed humbly to her guest.

[SkylarkThibedeau]

S.A. Thibedeau. The Tea Ceremony Short Story. First draft. 3/5

“Arigato gozaimasu and permit me to share with you a Yamato tea ceremony based on the traditional chan-no-y passed down from generation to generations back to Old Solaris.”

She bowed again and Cade watched as she took a cherry wood box painted with a blue butterfly and opened it. “This will allow the beautiful and relaxing perfume of sandalwood to fill the air.”

She removed a small block of incense with a pair of bamboo tongs and placed it upon the coals. Smoke began to rise from the brazier and a pleasing aroma filled the room. Cade knelt breathing in the sweet smell and tried to relax. She watched as Jinchi turned away from the brazier and prepared for the next part of the ritual.

She turned with an earthenware jar adorned again with the crane symbols of the okiya. Holding it in the air close enough for Cade to examine, she said “The Tea Ceremony is one of meditation and relaxation.”

“First let me turn your attention to the mizusashi, a lidded stoneware container which holds the water earlier gathered from a fast moving mountain spring.”

She opened the lid and held it close enough to the captain’s face that she could peer inside and see the water. “This water will be used to prepare the tea.”

She turned back to the brazier. “This is the furo and next to it is the kama or tea kettle as you call it in the Three Sisters. It is made of cast iron mined at a holy place and smelted by purified craftsmen.”

She next pointed to a black lacquered bowl “This is the kensui in which we will dispose of the waste water used to purify our implements when we are done.”

Her well manicured fingers nails painted red with small blue cranes pointed next to a tray near Cade’s cushion where a small powder blue teacup lay. “The Chawan sits here on the tray next to the chashaku or scoop. The scoop is used to remove the matcha or powdered tea from the natsume which holds it.”

She pointed to a brown wooded container shaped like a jujube next to which sat two more implements made of bamboo. “This is the mizusashi the ladle with which we will remove hot water from the kama and the chasen our whisk with which we will mix the powdered tea with the water from our ladle.”

She moved like a dancer from implement to implement holding the close for Cade to examine. She opened a drawer and brought out two pieces of cloth one of delicate silk fabric with the same powder blue color of the teacup, the other a plain white tea towel embroidered with the crane emblem and words in the Sapporan kanji that Arcadia could not read.

“Two pieces of cloth are used in the ceremony. The Fukasa a beautiful silk cloth also used to purify the utensils. Also present is a small absorbent tea towel.”

Jinchi lay the cloths on the table and bowed politely to Cade. “Now is the time to relax and Renew.”

She bowed again and clasped her hands together.

“Here is a poem to express our purpose:

All is stillness
Take a step to the path of Zen
Control the monkey mind.
Do not let it jump around and control you”



Jinchi bowed her head in polite pause. Cade kept back the urge to clap. She did have the monkey mind. It was hard to concentrate on the words and the motions of the ceremony without thoughts of the war, the ship and Doc Stephens interrupting.

Jinchi bowed then brought over the implements for ceremonial review. Cade handled each item delicately with the Fukasa between them and her impure fingers. Each item was a handcrafted work of art and her admiration of the delicate craftsmanship did take her mind away from her duties and her fascination with the doctor.

She looked up as she examined the utensils and saw Jinchi pour water from the kama into the mizusash the bowl making a gurgling sound as it filled. She then took each piece carefully from the tray and ceremonially cleansed them one by one by ladling water over each piece then laying it on the tea towel.

Cade kneeled and watched intently, now forgetting the ship and her loneliness. Jinchi ladled hot water into the chawan, swirling it around the cup with a circular motion of the hand. She took the scoop and poured a small amount of tea into the steaming cup. She then ladled more hot water on top of the tea.

Kneeling now before her friend she took the whisk and created a thin paste. She added more hot water and now the paste became tea. Its flowery aroma now overpowered that of the sandalwood incense.

Jinchi held up the bowel and rotated the cup three times in her hand admiring the finished bowl of tea as Cade watched her. She gave a small smile and a bow and offered the cup to her honored guest as she recited a poem of Old Solaris.

“From behind a rift
Torn in the high trailing clouds

[SkylarkThibedeau]

S.A. Thibedeau. The Tea Ceremony Short Story. First draft. 4/5

By the autumn wind bringing in the winter
Breaks forth the shining moon-
And ah, the clear gleam of its rays.”

She returned to her position of service and bowed to her honored guest as she watched in delight as Arcadia sampled the tea. Cade bowed politely and enjoyed the fruity flavor of her drink.

“And now as you enjoy your tea,” said Jinchi as she moved the folds of her kimono to a more comfortable position as she knelt, “I have chosen one of my stories I think you will like.”

She then turned and opened a drawer in a box in easy reach behind her and pulled out something resembling a broomstick attached to a small box in Arcadia’s mind. Jinchi sat it in her lap and smiled.

“I will also play some soothing notes on my erhu today. I believe it has the most relaxing sound.”

Cade sipped her tea and watched as the oiran quickly tuned the instrument. Finding the sound she liked she winked at her friend coming out of character oh so briefly then began again.

To begin, a haiku
Ivy on the gate
Stirs the soul of young and old
Ending loneliness.”

She bowed.

“The story is my version of a story of the Ivy Gates written long ago by Okamoto Kanoko. Okamoto was a noted female writer during the 75 Years War on Old Solaris.”

Jinchi began to play the erhu. The short cadences of notes floated into the air to touch the sense of hearing as the sandalwood incense touched the sense of smell. Cade noted that the ceremony was designed to touch in some way all five of the human senses.

As she played she recited the story of the ivy gate at a house where a lonely quick tempered maid named Maki had grown to love tending to the luxurious green leaves which hung in long tendrils from the top of the wall cascading down like a woman’s hair.
As she had no family of her own and was resigned to work as a servant for others, her only joy was tending to the ivy.

One day Maki came out and discovered the leaves of ivy had been torn down. Mischievous children ran away but Maki caught one, Hiroko who was standing near the ivy. Hiroko denied vehemently that she had torn down the ivy. Maki insisted that she

[SkylarkThibedeau]

S.A. Thibedeau. The Tea Ceremony Short Story. First draft. 5/5

knew who did tear down the ivy. Hiroko agreed but said that she knew the girl would be scolded if she told and as one who was scolded often for no reason she could not bear to know she was the cause of another human’s misery.

Maki felt sorry for the girl and let her go on. She found later from her Mistress that Hiroko was an orphan who lived with her aunt and uncle who owned a tea shop. Her employer revealed that the girl was not treated well at the teashop and Maki made it her business to patronize the store frequently to ensure the child’s well being.

As loneliness attracts loneliness, as Hiroko grew older she would meet Maki at the gate with the ivy now grown even greener and more luxurious than it had been before. Maki became her mentor, her confidant, and her family.

As the seasons passed, Maki became an old woman and Hiroko a young lady the two would still meet by the ivy gate. One day Maki died and on her tomb was nurtured a blanket of ivy tended to by Hiroko to this day.

Cade had sipped her tea and listened intently to the entire story. Jinchi finished and bowed. She sat aside the erhu.

“A final haiku:

Loneliness by love
Is conquered with the Ivy
Both growing with two.”


She sat down now in front of her friend and bowed again.

“I humbly thank you for your kind and gracious attention to my modest story and hope it has brought you some measure of happiness.”

Cade wiped a tear from her eye and lay down the teacup.

Jinchi reached out to her friend. “Why are you sad Cade chan?”

Her eyes red and wet she tried to keep from embarrassing herself. She thought of a sad Sapporan haiku about lost love and softly recited it:

Ensign Ocean looked
In vain for her beloved
Lost among the stars. “

She wiped tears away and looked sadly into the coals of the fire. “I am so alone Jinchi. Alone in the Universe. So afraid of companionship. Everyone in whom I give my trust dies or leaves. I lose myself in my work. I give myself to the ship and the crew. Yet late at night I lie awake and feel so terribly alone.”

She looked at the Oiran. “You’re my best friend and I haven’t seen you in three years.”

Jinchi touched her friends shoulder. “Surely you must have friends among your co workers. There must be someone who is always around to whom you give your love and trust??

“No. I am respected by my staff and crew. They give me the courtesy due my rank and nothing more. It is hard to hold close bonds knowing at any moment the person next to you may die.”

Jinchi sat and looked sadly at her friend. “What are you seeking Arcadia? You were so vibrant and alive once. I’m sad to see how the war has changed you.”

Cade looked wistfully into the coals. “Romance I think. I get silly giddy images in my head sometimes. I’d like to be wooed and swept off my feet.”

She turned to her friend, took a sip of lukewarm tea and continued, “With my responsibilities I have been like Maki in your story too busy living for others to think about myself.”

Jinchi shifted on her cushion a look of empathy on her face. “Have you sought romance or is it just a dream at this point?”

“A dream. I have unrequited feelings for another.”

Jinchi perked her ears, “Ah…is there no hope the object of your affection will return your feelings?”

”None. She is married and is having an affair at the same time with another officer. She has gone now to her husband on Union. “

Jinchi completely came out of character and hugged her friend. “My heart breaks for you.”

Arcadia returned the hug weeping. Crying was a good catharsis. She felt months of pent up anger and sorrow flow out of her as she sobbed and her tears wet her friend’s kimono. Jinchi gently laid her friend on the mat her head in her lap. She ran her fingers thru the Captain’s hair.

“This is my fate. My destiny.” Cade observed looking at the ceiling. “What of you and Chen? I thought that by now I would have received news of your betrothal? I’ve always thought his love for you is deep”

The geisha looked distantly into space. “Ah, that may be so…he does not show his feelings easily.”

Cade smiled. “Does any man?”

Jinchi laughed.

“That’s probably why I am more comfortable with women.”

Jinchi laughed again. “It seems our society whether we live on Sapporo or your home planet Pixie trains our men to be secretive about their feelings. I don’t doubt that Chen loves me but he secretly resents my chosen vocation.”


She smiled down at her friend. “Yet even with women I’m sure communication must be hard.”

“Love is a big mystery. One I’d never thought about. As long as we’ve known each other my studies were what consumed me. I think the war has changed me. Life can be cut short so quickly out there. You begin to wonder what life is about”

Jinchi poured herself a cup of tea and took a sip. “We are capable of so little understanding I think.”

Cade sighed, “Only what God grants us I suppose.”

“The one you love is she happy with her relationships? I know in your culture they feel the need to take one lover at a time.”

Cade thought about Matilda Stephens and the months they had shared both a room and their lives as the doctor treated her for her wounds. “I really don’t think she is happy with either of her lovers. I know she would not be happy with me. She is like Chen. She shares her likes and wants but does not reveal herself. Does not open her soul,”

She smiled. “I’m still looking for that first kiss of true love. I know its sill and childish for a starship Captain to think of such things”

Jinchi smiled. “You would be like one of the robot servants if you did not think of such things Chan.”

Cade looked up at her smiling friend. “Do you love Chen dear?”

Jinchi looked down in surprise as one in her profession was expected to have such feelings. She smiled a wry smile at her friend. “Yes. Yes I do but you are the first to whom I have ever admitted it.”

Arcadia smiled at the obvious answer. “He loves you too. He just can’t admit it.”

Jinchi opened a fan elaborately decorated with flying cranes and began to fan herself. “He does. He is very jealous I think. He only shows the small affection yet he is my most frequent guest. I have allowed him the full access of the okiya and the oiran.

Jinchi blushed bright red. “I am unsure that we will ever come ‘together’ in the traditional sense. No marriage. No family.”

Cade stretched out and relay her head in the geisha’s lap. “I know the feeling” she said.

“Has your love have an affection for you at least?” asked Jinchi?

Cade looked at the bamboo ceiling tiles and sighed. “Just a close friendship I hope.”

“That is hard. I at least get some affection and intimacy from Chen.”

“Right now you are the only one” Cade admitted sadly. She sighed. “You are my only friend.”

Jinchi slapped the fan closed and tossed it on the table. She picked up a moschi ball and lowered it to Cade’s lips. “Surely you are mistaken. There has to be someone these past years who has had affection for you?”

Cade bit into the sweet rice ball and chewing shook her head sadly.

“No one? I am sure you are incorrect?”

She swallowed and said sadly, “When I was shot no one ever came to visit to see how I was doing. I’d get visitors to have me sign off on reports and answer messages from FDW command but that was all.”

“Matilda. Doc Stephens. She was the only one there as her bunk had been destroyed in a fight with an Argon ship she moved into my quarters to treat me.”

Jinchi looked at her friend aghast. “You did not tell me you had been wounded. The servants were whispering about your scars but I did not make the connection.”

“Argonauts boarded the ship. I lead our marines into the hallway they broke into. I was shot in the chest.”

“Ah the war. So many have suffered. I had no idea you were injured my friend. Your letters did not say.”

Arcadia looked up into her friend’s concerned face. “I’ve been shot twice now. Before Captain Liu died I lead an away team to scout an Argon position.” She held up her badly scarred left wrist. “I was shot running back to the Hulk carrier. I bound it myself.”

Cade glanced at the time on the watch that covered the scarring. “Oh my time has been over for fifteen minutes. I need to get back to Osaka.”

Jinchi smiled and kept her friend from rising. “Don’t worry. I have taken the whole day for you.”

She gently rose and helped Arcadia sit up. She reached under a bench and rolled out a sleeping mat and then carefully lay cushions atop it. “Lay here Cade and rest. You need sleep after all your troubles and sorrow.”

Cade lay on the mat and rested her head in the crook of her arm and watched Jinchi sit and grab her erhu. Soon the gentle notes and the sound of the waters in the nearby fountain eased the Starship captain to sleep. She dreamed not of the ship, nor battle, nor unrequited love but frolicked through green fields of glowing flowers and made circlets and garlands out of them to cover her hands.

[tnh]

Bravo, Skylark!

I'll start with a short general critique: your worldbuilding details are generally good, but you're putting in way too many of them. Since you're the author, you should know what they are, but the readers should only hear about the ones they need at that moment in order to know what's going on. The rule of thumb version is "Never tell the readers something before they want to know it."

(Why then do meticulous worldbuilding? First, because it means the few details you wind up using will be right, because you've thought through what's behind them. Second, because readers have a nearly magical ability to look at your sparse assortment of details and know whether there's solid worldbuilding behind them. If you get that right, they'll feel reassured, and will assume that if some detail warrants mention, you'll tell them about it in due time. That trust of theirs is golden. You can move forward with your story at a brisk clip, unburdened by any exposition except what's needed for the telling of it.)

So:

She heard a door unlock and an older woman, a servant with no make up dressed in a brightly bleached white Kimono with the image of a silver crane on the breast and simple getas on her feet came out of the building and approached the Gate.

She faced Cade from across the cherry wood barrier. “Nanika osagashi desu ka?” she asked.

“I am Arcadia Faison. ” Arcadia answered. “I have an appointment. I am to have a Tea Ceremony with Jinchi.”

The servant smiled and humbly bowed then opened the gate. “Irasshaimase Captain Faison. You are expected. Follow me inside.”

becomes something more like:

The door was opened by an elderly woman dressed as a servant. “Nanika osagashi desu ka?” she asked.

“I am Arcadia Faison. I have an appointment to have a Tea Ceremony with Jinchi.”

The woman opened the gate, bowing. “Irasshaimase, Captain Faison. You are expected. Follow me.”

[SkylarkThibedeau]

That was a bit 'Flowery' wasn't it? I'll work on your suggestions and repost. I noticed a couple of spelling errors that the spell check and my eyes didn't catch. I know you shouldn't trust spell check alone. I was an 'Assistant Manger' on my resume for a long while until about the 4 or 5th job interview pointed it out.

[shalter]

Kind of going along with tnh's suggestion, rather than having Cade think about various things, you could show them as they become relevant. For example, with the scars, you have her bathe later in the same section and the servant notices the scars. So, rather than mention them earlier, you could just show them as the servant notices them.

[anthonypero]

Critique on section 1 of S.A. Thibedeau. The Tea Ceremony Short Story. First draft. 1/5

These are random thoughts typed as I read...

Right off the bat I struggled a bit with the lack of punctuation in the beginning. I had difficulty understanding what you were trying to say. I tend to over punctuate, myself. There's probably a balance in there somewhere This, along with some repetitive phrasings (3rd paragraph especially) made it difficult to enter into the story.

Paragraph 13 - Generally, it is my understanding that quotes are reserved for speaking, not thinking. When a character is thinking italicize the thought. I.e. This soup is to hot she though, moving quickly to the next bowl. You can even get away without the "she thought" tag, depending on your phrasing. The italics clues the reader into an internal dialog.

Be careful of your use of pronouns. For instance, paragraph 13 ends with "The shamisen in the distance had been joined by a flute but Cade did not recognize the new song they were playing." The next paragraph begins immediately with "They had public baths in almost every populated area of Sapporo..." This is extremely ambiguous. The "theys" are too close together, with no disambiguation to help the reader. The use of "they" in paragraph 13 is correct. You've established that the sentence is about the instruments, so "they" refers to the instruments (well, the musicians, by extension). The problem is you have not redefined "they" when starting the next paragraph. It jars the reader to have to reinterpret "they" later in the sentence, after the word itself has already passed. Instead of "They had public baths...", try "There were public baths...", since "they" is currently being reserved for the flutist and shamisen. This is especially true because paragraph 14 is still about music in the bath house.

Overall, I really liked the use of language. Like I said, I needed some punctuation to help me navigate the sentences, but once I mentally added in some commas, your writing style is very readable. Since I haven't read the other sections, I have nothing to say regarding the story at large.